Do not buy umbrellas during a pandemic

Author: Faris Nejad

Why should anyone be able to force me not to get wet? It is my body and it is my right to decide if I want to get drenched or not.

I am the one who decides to follow what they say or not, I am not a sheep, you know? I am not stupid enough to listen to their orders and rush to buy an umbrella just because it is raining. Do you know how much money they make from it? Do you know who even owns the umbrella making companies and how little they pay to the factory workers who work so hard for making umbrellas? Who do you think makes the rain in the first place? Of course if it did not rain we would all not get wet and then they could not scare us for getting wet and make us buy umbrellas. It also took men hundreds and hundreds of years to invent umbrellas, how is it that now that it is raining they are making so many of them so fast? It is too fast, I don’t trust them at all, especially with their pointy sticks that could go anywhere in high wind.

My cousin’s classmate is really smart. He even worked as a manager of the main MacDonald’s in the city where NASA’s headquarters are for a few years and knows about all these things. He has told my cousin the naked truth about all this. They want to detect and mark us and know what we do at all times but their satellites were not picking us up on cloudy days. Even their satellites which are so expansive and have been bought by our money can’t see through the clouds. So the answer was to make us more visible by making us carry an umbrella everywhere. Not only they can see us under our umbrellas but they have also attached a microchip and who knows maybe even a camera to it. The best proof is that these sophisticated expensive umbrellas are so cheap, so we can buy them and use them.

They start rains and then they know where we go, what we eat, exactly when we don’t pay taxes, how often we go to the toilet, who we talk to and everything. They want to know what each one of us does. You may not think you are important and you may be right but you are and so am I, I mean important. They think we are stupid and won’t realise. This is happening in all the countries. All these presidents, kings, prime ministers, all of them are in it. They have kept us busy with border disputes, historical conflicts, the environment, unemployment, lack of housing, lack of sufficient health care and all these just so that we get confused and buy umbrellas. The worst thing is that they are all in it together, together with scientists. No, this is not even the worse thing, the worse thing is that it doesn’t ever rain in their houses and places where they secretly meet. Have you ever wondered why it does not rain any parliaments where they meet and make laws?

The truth is that it is not nice to get wet but my neighbour’s uncle who has a cantina in the local hospital knows a lot about these things. He has seen many sick people and also overhears a lot of things that all these doctors who are making so much money from this say to each other. These people, with their bosses could never have so many cars and villas if it wasn’t for all the rain they make. Without the rain they are just sitting in their hospitals and clinics on their phones talking to their friends or pharmacists who are in it without any work. He tells me most of the sick people who buy cheese pies from him die in the hospitals not because they are wet which is what they make us believe. Yes, they come to the hospital because they are wet but mostly die from other things (not my cheese pies) like heart, lungs and even testicles but not because of the rain. Look, I am not a doctor but I have been sick enough to know that testicles get wet from wet benches not the rain and using umbrellas does not help. They give us these statistics to scare us not knowing that we are no sheep and even if we are, sheep are not scared of getting wet, if you don’t believe me ask a shepherd. So, we won’t be scared even if we are sheep.

You can believe whatever you want but I am not giving up my freedom, god made me two hands and the freedom to use them. If he wanted me to hold an umbrella he would make me with three hands. I rather keep my freedom and use my both hands to do anything I want rather than not get a few drops of water on my head. I am also not scared of getting sick because of a bit of rain, if I do and end up in the hospital, I know someone there who has healthy pies and also knows all the good doctors. And if we lose and they manage to force us have an umbrella in public, we can always hold it crooked or even make some holes in them so we still get wet and make sure their plan does not work.

Faris Nejad is a sociologist, a political scientist and a novelist.